I've been away from "PCG magazine," for a few months. Popping in and out of there every so often, no worries, I'm not gone. I have just been working on my recent diagnosis of "Crohn's disease." And a lot has happened over the last year. I have started a new medication and we're hoping that it will work, until then, I'll be updating as often as I can. But here's a free-write for those days that I can't seem to get past certain topics filled with writers block.
There's always room for whatever else going on in the mind, right? After all, I am learning a lot about my "new normal," and "who I am," because this disease doesn't define me.
Have you ever stopped and realized how much actually happens to us in a year? I mean, literally, think about it for a second, think about the good stuff, the bad stuff and the in-between-stuff.
There’s a lot that happens and somehow we make it out alive and planning for “New Year's resolutions,” before we even realize it’s almost a brand-new year. Over the course of these years we either learn from our struggles, successes and mini victories--or we become bitter and lose touch on what’s important in life.
Can I just ask that my family, friends and readers never lose faith that things will get better. Trust me, I know it’s hard. I’ve lost people I once loved. I’ve lost family to suicide, I’ve fought my own battles and I’m still learning how to accept my battle against my “chronic illness.”
This illness has taken a lot from me, memories with family, time spent on the Queen’s throne room, concerts and even my self-esteem. It made me question my self-worth, my level of being a burden to my family, it’s brought me to my knees but somehow I’m still here fighting.
I may not know what you’re going through personally, we may not talk everyday but I hope that regardless of your challenges, you can stay strong and talk to someone you trust. If it were not for my mother, my husband and those who have actually made an effort to care, I’m not sure where I would be at this current point in my life but because of them, I’m still thriving.
I decided to do a write-up about IBD and how it has affected my life personally. I have friends with IBD that can relate and I hope this helps inspire you to continue to fight. I hope you realize it will be okay, that we are strong, that we will make it, it doesn’t matter how much pain we go through, our families need us, they love us and while it might seem selfish in our eyes that they may want to keep us around even though we don’t feel our best, they aren’t selfish, life just wouldn’t be the same without you.
Because you matter.
You wouldn’t believe where 99.9% of my prayer takes place. It’s quite ironic that my pleads to God happen where most people take a dump. But that is IBD. And the new reality of not only myself but millions of others around the world.
How sad that many of the memories engraved in our minds for life is that of a small room filled with painful and unforgettable mornings.
How sad there is no cure to a disease that most cannot see; with the exception of a good gastrologist.
And for all the time spent in that yellow small room. I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror in ages. 26-years old, malnourished, thinning hair and a giant moon face (thank you prednisone).
There’s probably nothing beautiful to see anyways…. Right?
That’s what IBD wants us to think because that is IBD. Haven’t you realized?
We are strong…. Even though we feel weak.
We will keep fighting… Even if suicide sounds “freeing.”
We will always do our best… Even when our best is laying in bed.
We will always love ourselves… Even when we don’t feel pretty.
Because if we don’t then IBD has you. And we can’t let it win.
Someone with Crohn’s disease.